Am I in a Healthy Relationship?

It Feels Like Love - But Is It?

Sometimes it feels impossible to find someone who's right for you — and who thinks you're right for him or her! So when it happens, you're usually so psyched that you don't even mind when your little brother finishes all the ice cream or your English teacher chooses the one day when you didn't do your reading to give you a pop quiz.

It's totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn't as healthy as it should be.
What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these seven qualities:

* Mutual respect. Does he or she get how cool you are and why? (Watch out if the answer to the first part is yes but only because you're acting like someone you're not!) The key is that your BF or GF is into you for who you are — for your great sense of humor, your love of reality TV, etc. Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values who the other is and understands — and would never challenge — the other person's boundaries.

* Trust. You're talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes —jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.

* Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.

* Support. It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but can't take being there when things are going right (and vice versa). In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.

* Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship, too. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? It's not like you have to keep a running count and make sure things are exactly even, of course. But you'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.

* Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.

* Good communication. You've probably heard lots of stuff about how men and women don't seem to speak the same language. We all know how many different meanings the little phrase "no, nothing's wrong" can have, depending on who's saying it! But what's important is to ask if you're not sure what he or she means, and speak honestly and openly so that the miscommunication is avoided in the first place. Never keep a feeling bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to hear or because you worry about sounding silly. And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that if you ask for it.

What's an Unhealthy Relationship?

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other — emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. It's not! Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship. Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself — it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.
Warning Signs

When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty put downs, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it's an important warning sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:

* get angry when I don't drop everything for him or her?
* criticize the way I look or dress, and say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?
* keep me from seeing friends or from talking to any other guys or girls?
* want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
* ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?
* try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

These aren't the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or — this is a big one — harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on and make sure you're safe.

It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything he or she doesn't want to do.Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?

Ever heard about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.

What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you. Someone who's not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner.

Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teenagers. Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's feelings and needs in a close relationship. Don't worry if you're just not ready yet. You will be, and you can take all the time you need.

Ever notice that some teen relationships don't last very long? It's no wonder — you're still growing and changing every day, and it can be tough to put two people together whose identities are both still in the process of forming. You two might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway, there's a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than to stay in something that you've outgrown or that no longer feels right for one or both of you. And before you go looking for amour from that hottie from French class, respect your current beau by breaking things off before you make your move.

Relationships can be one of the best — and most challenging — parts of your world. They can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you're single or in a relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people.

Think about the qualities you value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship. Work on developing those good qualities in yourself — they make you a lot more attractive to others. And if you're already part of a pair, make sure the relationship you're in brings out the best in both of you.
=============================================================
in a relationship there should always be a give and take, nurture and nourished with trust and honesty why i said so, because trust and honesty are siblings in a good relationship

Do men cheat for the thrill? Or the sex?

When men have affairs, they tend to be motivated by sex — new sex, more sex, different sex.

Women cheat for many reasons: companionship, romance, more security, and, of course, sex. But are men’s motivations really that simple? No. Even for men, cheating is far more complex.

Studies show most men who cheat want to experiment sexually and experience the rush associated with “new sex.” This is their way of prolonging indefinitely the early and intoxicating phase of infatuation in a relationship. But men also have affairs to either avoid intimacy, recover their lost youth, or escape an unhappy marriage.

Men who fear intimacy will have affairs to maintain power in their relationships. If a man doesn't commit to his lover, he controls his level of vulnerability. Some men cheat in fact to avoid any real intimacy. Intimacy scares them, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them and they don’t get emotionally involved with their lovers. This way they never have to trust their partners or rely on them. This kind of man may also fear conflict.

Then there are men who will strike up an affair when they start to feel the fear and loss that comes with aging. They realize they are no longer young and invulnerable, so they have an affair to deny that they are getting old. Finding someone who is “young and new,” makes them feel more youthful.

Biologists believe men cheat by the Darwinian instinct to spread their genetic seed to more mates (whereas women would one mate to get protection and support). However, since more women are cheating, this suggests that they felt societal pressure in the past to suppress their sexual desires. There also may be another reason men are more likely to stray: environment. Psychologically speaking, men who cheat are often the child of an adulterer. They are repeating behavior that they know and looking to correct that feeling that no one ever loved only them.

Not all affairs are created equal. There is the one-night stand, the long-term love affair, and the tryst that serves as a way to end a marriage. Not all affairs happen because the marriage is in obvious trouble or bad. However, a conflict-ridden marriage will certainly be at greater risk. Many women mistakenly believe the mistress must be more attractive than she. Actually, this is not often the case. It seems to be the wish for newness and variety, as well as the particular man’s psychological needs and vulnerabilities that is more the motivator. While a marriage might not be bad, it can still lack honesty and active communication.

Adultery need not be the end of a marriage, though it certainly is one heck of a wake up call. If you are contemplating an affair, then there is no question you will be SORRY! Affairs hurt everyone, including you. You cannot keep both women, so you will be distressed at some point. Don’t leave yourself in susceptible situations, such as when alcohol is involved.
======================================================

and i quote again: Don’t leave yourself in susceptible situations, such as when alcohol is involved.

Forgiving Infidelity

There is help for forgiving infidelity. God created the sacred bond of marriage between a man and a woman and He wants to protect that bond, so He gave the commandment against adultery. God knows that marital infidelity will tear a marriage apart, so He never condones it, and He always requires that the offenders be punished. However, He also knows that we are weak, selfish individuals who will commit adultery despite His warnings and commandments, so He provided a way for us to break out of our destructive, sinful patterns.

God sent His only begotten Son, Jesus Christ, to suffer the ultimate punishment of death for our sins. Jesus died in our place; He died in my place. I committed the adultery, yet God put His only Son to death for it. This is God's grace to me. I put my faith in Jesus Christ as my Savior and God wiped away my sins. I started my life fresh, as if I was just born (actually reborn through God's Holy Spirit); and through the power and love of Jesus Christ, I was able to stop committing adultery. The strength did not come from within myself. Believe me, I tried to break my destructive pattern on my own several times, but I was unsuccessful because I was focused on me. I still had that emptiness that needed to be filled. Only a relationship with my loving Creator could fill that emptiness. Through that relationship, Jesus changed me so that rather than being focused on myself, my heart was turned toward helping others. As I began to look outside myself and see the needs of others, my life was no longer empty. I was excited (and continue to be excited) about my future of serving others and glorifying God.

Forgiving Infidelity - The Source of Forgiveness

If you are struggling with the issue of marital infidelity -- either as someone whose spouse has or is being unfaithful, or who was (or is) an unfaithful spouse -- you can find the same help in the person of Jesus Christ.
========================================================

forgiving hurts, forgiving is a process, forgiving is important to start a new, knock all the agonizing painful experience.. there is a chance there's a rainbow after the rain..

The Other Man/Other Woman

In general, society looks at the other man/other woman as being the responsible party in an
affair. It’s understandable that the other man/other woman become the target for the rage and anger the deceived spouse feels. Blaming the other man/other woman keeps us from having to take responsibility for the problems in the marriage and our own feelings, so we like to pretend that if it hadn’t been for that other person there would have never been an affair. Problem is, there would have been, it just would have been a different other man/other woman.

How you handle the fact that there is another man or woman has a great deal to do with whether or not you end up in divorce court or, are able to save your marriage. I have a few suggestions that will help save your sanity and possibly your marriage.

Don’t Make The Other Person More Important Than They Really Are:

He/she happened to be in the right spot at the right time. They are nothing special. Your spouse was looking for an affair, not looking for them in particular. They are not superior to you, they are simply different from you. You are the husband or wife, all they are is the lover. Your role in your spouse’s life far outweighs their role.

The circumstance is more important than the person your spouse is involved with. Spend your time and energy focused on the problems in the marriage that led to an affair and finding a solution for those problems.

See The Relationship For What It Really Is:

A fantasy relationship with no foundation but lies and dishonesty. The other man/other woman is showing only their best side, they are being all they can be to your spouse. No one can carry on that act for long. Their true nature will show itself and the fantasy will wear off. When the other person starts making demands of your spouse he/she will begin to feel as if they have another spouse to take care of instead of a lover.

An affair is not a rejection of you but a rejection of their role as husband/wife and the restrictions it brings. You should not take it personally because it is not about you as a person. Given time and patience most affairs go down in flames.

They Are Not A Reality, They Are An Illusion:

Your spouse may see this new person as someone who offers up a new life, someone who will take them away from the burdens of having a wife and family. In the end, they discover that all the old burdens and issues that came along with his family are the same, the only difference is, the person they feel responsible to is different. The only thing that changed was the players, not the game. Even if your marriage ends in divorce and your spouse chooses the other man/other woman you can bet, given time reality will hit hard.

Don’t Internalize Your Feelings:

When a person views the world through a self-critical perspective, the outcome turns out rather distorted. Don’t allow the actions of an unfaithful spouse cause you to feel shame or unworthy. Such feelings can lead to depression, self – loathing and anxiety. Whether your goal is to save your marriage or divorce your unfaithful spouse, you need to keep a level head and develop good coping strategies. Plus, they say that living well is the best revenge and, you certainly want to get revenge…in a manner that
helps you heal instead of causes you more pain.

===================================================
it is far more important to live life to the fullest, let's not cause more pains, let's not prolong the agony, we have all the time to be healed and get healed.. it's not the end of the world for people who betray and got betrayed..

Warning Signs of Cheating Spouses

Is Your Spouse Cheating?

Nonverbal clues to lying can be difficult to spot and vary from individual to individual.

The bottom line: If you think your spouse is lying, ask questions and ask for clarification if necessary. Trust your own intuition or that funny feeling you may feel inside.

Some Warning Signs of an Unfaithful Spouse

Here are some warning signs that your spouse could be cheating on you.

* Your spouse seems bored.
Bored with you, with job, with kids, with hobbies, with life in general.

* Your spouse seems to want danger or thrills in his/her life.

* There is considerably less intimacy in your relationship.
Your sex life is practically non-existent.

* Your spouse has a low self-esteem.

* You notice your spouse has a sense of confusion about self.

* You spouse has become lazy, especially around the house.

* You can't get your spouse to communicate with you.

* Your spouse gets very defensive if you mention infidelity or affairs.

* Your spouse is suddenly more attentive than usual.

* Your mate is working longer hours at work.

* Your spouse is dressing nicer, looking nicer.

* You notice charges on credit card statement that don't make sense.

* Your spouse is indifferent to family events like birthdays and holidays.

* You find your partner has been lying to you about a variety of things.

* Money becomes more of an issue between the two of you.

* He/she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything with you anymore.

* You can't even get your mate to fight with you.

* You feel as if you are being avoided.

* Your partner abandons religious faith.

* Your spouse seems more secretive.

========================================================

wondering why do men really cheat?and vice versa.. is it really nice to cheat on?..and others are feeling happy they adore the feeling of blissfulness..i think the best way for this is a good and open communications at all time

Is Anybody Really Faithful Anymore?

With hundreds of ways to cheat right at the finger tips of every person who has access to a computer, it seems almost impossible to find someone who is faithful. Not the new kind of faithful that doesn’t count kissing as cheating, or cyber flirting and/or sex as real. But the kind of faithful that means that every drop of sexual energy is spent on the other person in the relationship.

Temptation has become so common that succumbing to it is almost excusable simply because people have become desensitized to it. Cheating still ruins relationships, but it isn’t the deal breaker that it used to be. Now instead of it demolishing a solid relationship out of existence, it just leaves it in shambles and more vulnerable to more cheating. But to actually break up a relationship because somebody has been unfaithful is starting to be a thing of the past.

This new tolerance for infidelity seems to have increased acceptance of it and is slowly making the concept of faithfulness portrayed as an unrealistic goal or expectation. This causes people to lose motivation to resist the temptations that are there to greet them every single day.

You would think that if everybody is now expecting to be cheated on at some point during their relationship they wouldn’t even bother pretending that they have the expectation of a monogamous relationship. The fact that they do, says that deep down, people still really want that in their relationship. They just don’t think they are really going to get it.

Some people try and rationalize that being unfaithful is not as bad as some people say it is. But they are not comparing a faithful couple’s relationship to that of a couple who do not value the element of trust and dependability that comes with being honest and faithful to each other. They have no concept of how different things really are between the two, and how much different relationships will become if people start abandoning the idea of fidelity.

If we start accepting the idea that there are no sacred relationships and no behavior that should be reserved for one person only, we are forfeiting our value as individuals. Embracing infidelity will not serve anybody in the long run, and hurt a lot of people for generations to come. It will bleed into all other relationships to the point that there will be nobody who can be trusted to have anybody else’s interests at heart but their own.

The rate of infidelity is alarming and very discouraging for those people who value faithfulness and integrity in another person. But for those who do, the good news is all the evidence of the unhappiness and misery that can be traced to being unfaithful. As people start to see more lives destroyed by this selfish act, there will be more people looking for someone who values being faithful as much as they do.

====================================================

Good question:..Is anybody really faithful anymore?.. a few i said yes there are still..who value and cherished a relationship once they started..the integrity and faithfulness of the married couple should always nurture and renew so as to have a stronghold, a cornerstone, a foundation of a good relationship

How To Forgive Infidelity - Or Should You?

How To Forgive Infidelity - Or Should You?

If you are looking for advice on how to forgive infidelity, then you probably have doubts as to whether or not you should forgive your partner for being unfaithful to you. If you knew without a doubt that there is no way you can ever forgive, then you would probably be gone from the relationship. However, you need to reflect on your relationship up to the point when you began to suspect there was another person in your partner’s life.

Think about your partner and what kind of person he/she is. Is this something completely out of character or is it something you have had to deal with in the past. If discovering the affair was something that took you completely by surprise, then you can probably believe your partner when he/she says there was never any intention to have an affair. It just happened and continued. If it is not the first time, though, you should ask yourself if you should forgive only to be hurt again in the future.

When you decide that this was a transgression that your spouse is not likely to repeat you still need answers to certain questions before healing and forgiveness can take place. You need to know how the affair started and developed and most of all you want to know if your partner felt guilty when with this lover. If so, you will likely ask why it continued and didn’t stop sooner. These questions will get to the root of the problem and you will find ways of salvaging your relationship through the needs your partner found that the affair fulfilled. If you can say with certainty that you have always continued to be loving and supportive and didn’t do anything to cause your partner to stray, then it may take you longer to forgive.

So if this is the final straw and you can’t take any more, you have to look at what is at stake if you end the relationship. If you have children, you want to think about how you are going to explain a separation or divorce. If you are not sure how they will react, you and your partner may agree to a temporary separation to allow you both some space and to see how things work out. During this time away from each other, though, you will have more and more suspicions that your spouse is continuing the affair or is involved in anew one.

You have to look at your financial situation. During your years together you have both invested time and money into your home and more than likely you have accumulated debts together. How will you manage to repay the debts and is your spouse’s salary enough to manage alimony and child support as well as provide for living expenses? Maybe you will decide to stay in the relationship and give the appearance of forgiveness just because you can’t really afford to move out. This is a hard decision to make because it means that forgiveness hasn’t really taken place.

==================================================================
it seems that in this situation, this really is so hard to compromise, it needs time and forgiveness is a process in my own personal humble view. click here for more info

What Is Emotional Adultery and How Do I Deal With It?

What Is Emotional Adultery and How Do I Deal With It?

You don’t have to sleep with another person to commit adultery. Emotional adultery is flirting with another person outside of marriage. You do have to have sex to cheat on your spouse. The thing is that many people do not realize that they are doing anything wrong by flirting with another person, sending emails with sexual undertones or hanging out with members of the opposite sex at a get together. Most people just think of this as socializing without doing any harm.

When you take steps to bring this kind of action to an end, you could be doing your marriage one of the biggest favors of all. This is not because such activities may lead to something more, but engaging in this activity takes your focus away from the sanctity of your marriage and your relationship with your spouse. You did make a vow of commitment when you got married and this includes all ways of leading or coming on to members of the opposite sex.

Some may ask what harm is there in having a friendship with a person of the opposite gender. It is not the friendship that is in question, but the types of things you talk about and the way you behave around each other. Every friendship doesn’t lead to an affair. If it did, there would be far more extramarital affairs than there are. Those who claim that such intimate things as sharing an off-color joke with a friend or making a sexual comment is adultery involving emotions.

Some of the things that could be regarded as emotional cheating include:

* You find a particular joke really funny and tell it to all your coworkers, but not your spouse

* You feel more comfortable in confiding problems you have at work with a coworker of the opposite sex but your spouse does not know anything about your problems

* You spend your lunch time at a restaurant with a coworker and go out for drinks after work

* You flirt with people at parties, in the office and even with friends that come to your home

* You feel that when you feel turned on by the flirting that you are actually helping your marriage

* You spend a lot of time finding the perfect gift for a member of the opposite sex, but you just pick up the first thing you find as a gift for your spouse

* You share information about the intimate details of your sex life with another person

All of these are signs that you could be committing adultery in an emotional way.
The fact is that you are spending more energy in entertaining your coworkers and friends than you are in making sure your spouse is happy. Why don’t you sit and talk with your spouse about he/she feels about these things. You may be surprised to learn that your spouse has been hurt by your comments and flirting on times, but didn’t bother to mention it.

=================================================================
after all, the key to a longer relationship is to become transparent and hold on the vows
that we made, especially in the eyes of God.

let us be aware of all our actions especially in committing adultery in an emotional way